Yes, it’s true. I’ve lost my Virginity after protecting it & cherishing it for more than half a century. What do I mean? What I mean to say is, I’m no longer an Anal Virgin. I’ve been Anally Deflowered, as it were.
Don’t get me wrong, it was my choice. I sought it out. I even paid the Gigolo for his services, and let me tell you, it wasn’t cheap. I expected a bit more service for the money. He was a handsome fellow — intelligent, articulate and highly-educated, but All Business. This Gigolo, this Butt Ranger, he wasn’t very personable. As a matter of fact, he was quite cold & indifferent. He didn’t snuggle with me afterwards in the afterglow of the intimacy we had just shared. He didn’t even offer me a cigarette, even though I don’t smoke.
The Package I chose involved the administration of a Date Rape Drug (Versed), so I have no recollection of the ravaging whatsoever. I can tell you I walked like John Wayne for a few days after my Deflowering. Once the Date Rape Drug wore off and I regained consciousness, my Gigolo informed me it “went well.” Can you believe that — I paid him thousands of dollars to Anally Deflower me and all he can say is, it “went well.” I’ll tell you what, MISTER, I’ll find me another Gigolo the next time around.
This Cold-Hearted Bastard told me to come back in ten years. TEN YEARS!!! Can you believe the nerve of this Prick? Such ingratitude. What is this world coming to when prostitutes cop an attitude like this? Nobody knows their place anymore. Up is down, left is right, straight is crooked — there is no Clarity, and a Life without Crystal Clear Clarity — where Reality is obvious and all things, imagined or otherwise, are clearly delineated and easily identified and labeled accordingly — is a Life not worth living, but we’ll live it anyway because that’s what we Humans do — we persist even when we’ve outlived our relevance.
It’s called a Colonoscopy, and if you’re over the age of fifty and you haven’t had one, get thee to a Gastroenterologist as fast as you can — it just may save your Life. I know people who blew it off and went years with undetected Colon Cancer. Some of them have died as a result of it. Others have had their quality of life greatly diminished.
The drugs they give you during the procedure are great. You really have no clue what happened. I vaguely remember waking up during the procedure and laughing with the doctor and his entire staff as I viewed a movie of the inside of my colon on the screen(s). I have no idea why I was laughing and why they were laughing. I think I said something funny. Imagine that, me unconsciously saying something funny. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? Whatever it was that I said, it had them in stitches and me in stitches too. Thank God, if there is one, I didn’t need stitches as a result of the procedure. That would have sucked.
I did have a cut on my toe that wasn’t there before I passed out and the rubber, malleable Telephone Pole with a camera attached was shoved way up my ass. Also, before I passed out they had me all prepped and on my side ready for Heir Doctoore to Slip in the Schlong, but when I got home I noticed I had patches on my chest where they hooked me up to a heart monitor. They did not attach these patches when they prepped me, but there they were. And they didn’t remove them. I wonder if my heart stopped during the procedure and they had to revive me? Maybe I was thrashing during that event and I cut my toe in the struggle. The nurse did tell me before I passed out that they do have to occasionally perform CPR on people who’s heart stops because of the anesthesia/medication. I don’t know. I do know I’m alive and well and for that I’m thankful.
And for those who are wondering, I’m All Clear, much to the chagrin of The Order running the comment section of Kunstler’s blog, Clusterfuck Nation. No cancer and no polyps. The Doc couldn’t even find The Cretin, even though IT’s been all up in my ass for months now. That Freak is a slippery, clever, diabolical Malevolence. It will require nothing short of a miracle to bring IT to Justice.
Yes,. I’m Clean as a Whistle, and speaking of that, the most enjoyable part of the whole process is clearing your bowels 24 hours prior to the procedure. Be prepared with a good book because you will spend most of the time on the toilet to the point you can no longer feel the lower half of your body since it will have fallen asleep after the first thirty minutes. It’s great fun. I promise.
And the beauty of it is, I get to be sodomized not once, but twice. I now have to manage the payment process, and I can tell you, already, mistakes have been made. For example, the physician’s office, referred to as The Provider, sent some samples taken during the procedure to an Out-of-Network diagnostic facility. Anyone familiar with this knows that many insurance companies decline to pay if you use Out-of-Network Providers and my insurance company is no different. The catch is, I knew this before agreeing to undergo this procedure with this particular physician and I made it emphatically clear that any additional services required, to include testing of samples, be rendered by In-Network Providers only. They said they understood yet did the opposite. I thought Obamacare was supposed to address this complex, inefficient nonsense as well as a myriad of other deficiencies in our Healthcare System. Yeah, right. I never believed that Propaganda and I’m sure most of you didn’t either.
Feel free to share your experiences in the comment section if you can do so without threatening me and my family. I know that may be tough for a substantial number of you because threatening me and my family is so irresistible and enjoyable, but you really should try. It’s not healthy behavior just as not submitting to a Colonoscopy is unhealthy behavior if you’re over the age of fifty.
That’s all for now. Remember my friends, all zero of you and I will have it no other way, lie well and for all the right reasons, because, as you know or you should know by now if you don’t, It’s All Lies.