Somebody’s Ringin’ The Bell

As many of you may or may not know, I’m a Fuller Brush salesman, and a good one at that, I must say. I stopped by The Kremlin (you can smell the blood it runs so thick in that place) for my yearly sales call this past Wednesday, and they told me Putin couldn’t honor his appointment — that he was otherwise detained. When I pressed them about his alleged detention, they informed he was taking a crap (as dickhead head of Russia, you take a lot of crap). I told them this is precisely why they need Fuller Brush — for the clean-up after just such occasions and they told me that’s what dissidents are for so they don’t need Fuller Brush and the only reason they had bought from me in the past was for ornamental and superficial aesthetic purposes — that it was important to project an image of modernity — that “we too clean our bathrooms like Westerners with brushes and mops and cleansers and not with the hair and saliva of uppity peasants who must be brought down to size.”

I told them I would return, being the tenacious and persistent salesman I am, because I wanted to hear this from Putin directly since I had always dealt with him in the past, so I returned yesterday and they gave me the same excuse — that he was detained on the crapper. They’re obviously Full(er) of shit and I strongly suspect they were giving me the Brush off. If they were serious, which I know they couldn’t have been, Putin’s not long for this world. Being on the crapper for several days portends Elvis Syndrome — a terrible way to leave this world — to die straining on the crapper is ignoble and undignified and not fitting of a man who would pretend to be Tsar.

Anyway, I hope he’s alright, but if he’s not and he’s passed from this world or is about to pass like the whopper he’s trying to pass on the toilet, I hope his replacement is as cordial and amiable as he was. He’s a great customer. He really knows he’s his shit.

Speaking of those dissidents cleaning bathrooms and shit stains with their hair and saliva, The Beatles corrupted Russia with this song back in the day. Russia’s never been the same since, or any different. It’s the enigma it’s always been.

Asked a peasant girl what she wanted to be
She said bourgeoisie, can’t you see
I want to be slave, who won’t cry and scream
But you can do something besides clean & clean

Baby, you can pull my barge
Yes, you’re gonna pull it far
Baby, you can pull my barge
And maybe I’ll feed you


One thought on “Somebody’s Ringin’ The Bell

  1. SRSly – Wings? I likey! That’s some srs (yes, I know) Gattica sh! you got going on up there – do you think they got the eyelash?!? FWIW, I’ll never be able to fit that first quatrain (?) of the beatles song to verse… (Yes I’m going to be a star!!!)

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