The following is an interview conducted in Manhattan on December 25, 2014 with the Islamic State’s Communications Director, Sir Isaac Newburgh. Despite the stigma attached to the Islamic State as a cabal of Stone Age thugs, the organization does have a sophisticated, 21st century dimension. It’s particularly, and curiously, adroit at communicating its message, if it has one, using The Net to include social media. We thought it only fitting that an in depth interview with the person responsible for this sophisticated dimension of a brutal and murderous organization would help shed some light on this popular enigma referred to by many acronyms (IS, ISIS & ISIL) under the comprehensive banner of the Islamic State. As you read the transcript, try, as difficult as it may be, to keep an open mind.
Cold N. Holefield: I’d like to thank you Sir Isaac Newburgh for taking the time to sit down with me this afternoon for what I hope will be an enlightening interview.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: You can skip the formalities — let’s get straight to it, shall we?
Cold N. Holefield: As you wish. But before we dive deeper, I have to ask, what’s up with the name Sir Isaac Newburgh? It’s not a name one would expect to see attributed to a member of a group generally referred to as the Islamic State.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: You Americans place too much emphasis on names. Names are not important. Ideas are what’s important and the actions that flow from those ideas, or the inactions.
Cold N. Holefield: Fair enough, but you still chose a name when you could have no name at all, so why did you choose Sir Isaac Newburgh?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Very well then, if you really must know, I chose the Sir Isaac part of it because it was the Arabs & Persians who invented gravity long before your Sir Isaac Newton did. Every achievement you Westerners claim as your own was the purview of a highly evolved and enlightened Middle Eastern past — a glorious and enlightened past The West is content on usurping as its own.
Cold N. Holefield: I’m fairly certain gravity isn’t something that’s invented, but rather an independent (from human powers of creation) physical law that’s observed and then explained formulaically. It’s not something that’s invented and then coveted and exploited.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Nonsense. It is invented just as surely as your reality and my reality is invented. Reality, and all the multitude of realities reality contains, is an invention — a fantasy. Life is just a fantasy, can you live this fantasy life?
Cold N. Holefield: Wow, that’s some heavy shit. Have you been reading my blog?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Of course I’ve been reading your blog — that’s why I’ve granted you this interview. So please, rain on my little black raincloud — the honey tree is in reach.
Cold N. Holefield: You’re freaking me out a little bit.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: A little bit? Be honest — I’m freaking you out a lot. You better hope you still have some semblance of sanity by the time this interview is concluded.
Cold N. Holefield: Considering your Aldo Nova “reality/life is a fantasy” theory, it therefore holds that Allah is an invention, does it not?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Do you like that pretty little head of your’s, you honey-obssessed bear faggot disguised as a rain cloud?
Cold N. Holefield: It’s not so little and it’s not pretty and what do you have against harmless Pooh? It figures you would resort to hatred and rage and threats of violence. That’s what you and your fabulous friends are all about, afterall.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: No, it’s not what we’re about. That’s where you’re wrong, Cold. We are but discarded plastic cola bottles caught in the precarious and capricious currents of a great and mighty river. The myriad of competing currents don’t define us, but they do move us to and fro, bro. Sometimes the current is hateful, raging and murderous and other times the current is compassionate, embracing and merciful and there are currents that represent everything in between on that spectrum. It’s typically Western and American of you to define and corner someone based on the effect of just one current at one point in time. To do so is to entangle that person in a self-destructive perpetual eddy from which it’s nearly impossible to escape using Western perceptual constructs. It’s why your prisons are so full. A moment ago I expressed my disdain and disgust with the famous Pooh, but currently, meaning at this precise moment, I feel sympathy and empathy for a creature incapable of overcoming its tragic obsession with honey. Only in The West could an obsessed, gluttonous, clearly homosexual bear be a popular and respected character in a children’s book. Look at the results — you’re all a bunch of fat fucks and being gay is increasingly a rite of passage for many teens.
Cold N. Holefield: I’m not fat and I’m not gay.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: A few exceptions don’t negate the rule.
Cold N. Holefield: If life/reality is just a fantasy, as you say, what’s so wrong with choosing an obsessively gluttonous and gay lifestyle as your fantasy? You and your comrades like lots of wives, whereas many Americans like lots of Happy Meals. What’s the difference if it’s just a fantasy?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Happy Meals can’t suck dick, that’s the difference. When will you learn? Never, that’s when.
Cold N. Holefield: Okay, this line of reasoning and inquiry is going nowhere, so let’s move on. What about the Newburgh part of the name Sir Isaac Newburgh? What does it signify?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Lobster Newberg is my all-time favorite dish.
Cold N. Holefield: Oh come on now, you’re a desert dweller where lobster is hardly in abundance. How can Lobster Newberg be your favorite meal?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I’ve never actually had Lobster Newberg but it sounds delicious. It denotes an air of refined sophistication and I feel if I were to try it, I would be imbued with the nobility and grace of royalty. Also, Newburgh, New York is my favorite American city. You Christians have Tel Meggido, and the Islamic State has Newburgh, New York.
Cold N. Holefield: My sanity is waning, you were right.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I warned you — it’s a foolish endeavor to try to fit me and the Islamic State into your preconceived notions. The constructs by which you view your world cannot aid you in understanding my world and the Islamic State because it’s not a matter of understanding, but rather a matter of accepting.
Cold N. Holefield: You do know that the Newberg in Lobster Newberg is spelled differently than Newburgh, New York, don’t you?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It doesn’t matter.
Cold N. Holefield: It does to me — and to Q. Shtik. Thus far, your mastery of the English language has been impeccable. You’re quite articulate, but then you make a blunder like this. How did you come to master the English language anyway? You navigate it more proficiently than the majority of Americans.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I took an intensive immersion course offered by the CIA for budding, self-radicalizing young jihadists. As part of that training, I was required to communicate only in English for close to a year. Also, as part of that immersive training, I was encouraged to comment at various blog sites using a veritable sea of screen names. You mentioned Q. Shtik — we are all quite fond of him and actually owe him a debt of gratitude for unwittingly aiding us in our endeavor to be better communicators. He’s a legend in the world in which I travel. He’s like Sugar Man — he’ll never realize how great he really is, and that’s probably a good thing. It’s best that someone like him remains humble and naive. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that before stumbling upon Q. Shtik, we, my Islamic State comrades and I, never knew what a cock ring was. But thanks to him, we now have our many wives fully trained on how to use them on us when we’re raping them — which is every other hour on the hour.
Cold N. Holefield: The cat’s out of the bag if he reads the transcript of this interview. I hate to give him the satisfaction. We may be creating an egomaniacal monster.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Fuck it!
Cold N. Holefield: Enough about Q. Shtik, let’s get to the heart of the matter. What is the Islamic State all about? How did your organization come about and what is its ultimate purpose? What are your goals? What do you hope to accomplish? What’s the point of all the sadistic, brutal and senseless violence?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: You may not like this, but too bad if you don’t. I’ll answer your questions with some questions. What is America all about? How did its current incarnation (not its historical roots although that would also be an interesting conversation and discussion) come about and what is its ultimate purpose? What are its goals? What does it hope to accomplish? What’s the point of all its sadistic, brutal and senseless violence? If you can answer those questions honestly, and I doubt you or anyone else in The West can, within those answers you will find the answers to the questions you posed to me. The Islamic State fits like a glove just as surely as 2 + 2 = 4. For those who perceive it properly, very few do who are not on the inside looking out, the Islamic State makes perfectly predictable sense. To the dimwitted, gullible and incapacitated consumers of mass-produced, stage-crafted news, we’re the devil du jour — the next version (2.0) of terror in the never-ending WooT. Al Qaeda is showing its age and is increasingly irrelevant. Think of it as Windows 95. Something had to step up and fill the void created by AQ’s apathy and ineffectiveness at scaring the bejesus out of the sheep. We’re that something.
Cold N. Holefield: What, may I ask, does the acronym WooT represent? I suspect it has something to do with the War on Terror, am I correct?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It stands for the War on & of Terror. War, at least modern warfare, is terror, so if the claim of a coalition’s military campaign is to fight a War on Terror, it is merely spreading terror further and deeper and therefore is as much a War of Terror as it is a War on Terror. Since the majority of casualties in modern warfare are borne by non-combatant civilians, whether intentionally inflicted or not, a War on Terror terrorizes the non-combatant civilians twice, once by the terrorists (jihadist rebels) and once by the terrorists (coalition’s mindless killing machines who are just following orders) — two for the price of one. Talk to the people of Iraq, the “savages”, and let them tell you about the terror they’ve experienced from every corner, including their so-called self-imposed liberators.
Cold N. Holefield: You’re engaging in Moral Equivalency — The West, and America more specifically, don’t commit barbarous acts like beheadings and massacring entire villages.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: No, Cold, you’re engaging in Exceptionalism. The theatrics of execution videos aside, war is war no matter how vainly you try to rationalize your reasoning for it. Who invaded who, Cold? I don’t recall that Iraq invaded America or Europe? In fact, what I recall is that Iraq was once a favored ally of America and The West. Dick Cheney knew what would come of an invasion and occupation of Iraq — he said it on national television back in the early 1990’s. His reasoning was well-researched and sound. George H.W. Bush was intelligent enough to know it would be foolhardy to go all the way to Baghdad in Gulf War I and take out Saddam and yet his wayward son, The Decider, along with his puppet master Dick Cheney decided in 2003, probably even earlier than that, that it would now be a good idea to do what would have been a terrible idea ten years prior, using 9/11 as a pretext even though there was no credible evidence that Saddam and Iraq had anything to do with 9/11.
Cold N. Holefield: Speaking of those theatrical execution videos, how does a ragtag band of Stone Age thugs accomplish something so seemingly technical and professional from what appears to be not much more than desert cave dwellings as your studio?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I know, it doesn’t add up, does it? But you know what, Cold? It doesn’t have to add up. You can publish this transcript and people, very few, will read it and they’ll never think twice about the enigmatic contradictions. They’ll just know they’re supposed to hate the Islamic State and all Muslims and never question the glaring holes and inconsistencies in the official narrative. Even though no one will learn anything from this interview Cold, I want you to know I don’t regret it and I don’t think it was a waste of time.
Cold N. Holefield: Thanks — I think. It’s certainly an interview I’ll never forget, not only because it’s a uniquely bizarre conversation, but also because it’s the first interview I’ve ever conducted and probably the last. Before we move on though, you still haven’t answered the question about the professional camera and editing work in producing the execution videos.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Cold, you yourself have said that people will do anything for money. You were right, people will and people do. It’s no different for us. We’ve recruited some fine technical artists who have an impressive pedigree — attending prestigious American universities notable for their award-winning media production & communications programs. They can’t find suitable well-paying work when they graduate and yet they have immense potential, so we give them a chance to do great work for great money. So long as we keep their identity secure and private, no one will ever know who they are and what they did, and through one of our many front companies, Business International Corporation for example, we’ll show these recruits, once they’ve completed their contracts with us, as having worked for that legally legitimate front organization so they will have documented experience on their resume that can be legally validated.
Cold N. Holefield: I’m sure they get a real sense of pride from the work they’ve accomplished.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: You’re being facetious of course, but artists have to eat and survive, Cold. You know that. Why do you think Bob Dylan did the Cadillac commercial and Tony Siragusa did the Depend commercial? They wanted a third home or that $200,000 classic car at Barrett-Jackson— and who can blame them?
Cold N. Holefield: Tony Siragusa is an athlete, not an artist.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Funny, Siragusa certainly doesn’t look athletic, does he? Seriously though, Cold, pro athletes these days are entertainers and entertainers are artists — and artists have to eat — and Tony, obviously, likes to eat.
Cold N. Holefield: Who makes the trademark black outfits you and your comrades wear? They look professionally and impeccably tailored.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It’s not Martin Greenfield, I’ll tell you that. In the past, he tailored a couple of suits for me and they were crap — they started falling apart within a year. I said to myself then and there, about buying another suit from him, Never Again. Actually, we’ve recruited a heretofore unheralded Italian Versace seamstress to produce the trademark black uniforms. I’ll tell her you admire her work.
Cold N. Holefield: Can I ask you a favor? If I give you my measurements, could she tailor for me a dozen or so boxers? I need them specially made because the mass-produced ones you find at the stores cannot properly accommodate my prodigious manhood. I’ll owe you.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: No problem, Cold. I’d be more than happy to get that done for you. Life is Good, isn’t it?
Cold N. Holefield: It can be — but not if you’re a reporter in the custody of the Islamic State.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Listen smart ass, do you want the boxers or not?
Cold N. Holefield: The thing I find amazing is how you’re able to get the media to carry your water for you. I mean, they’re champing at the bit to amplify your existence and the threat you pose to the civilized world by plastering your latest gory misdeeds all over the front page.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Funny that, isn’t it Cold? We couldn’t pull off this public relations coup without the zealous aid of the media and its insatiable thirst and hunger for terror porn. It’s like feeding raw chicken to alligators — they devour it ravenously and ask their audience to do the same — saving the best parts for themselves, of course. We always laugh when Anderson Pooperstain laments to his audience that he had to watch the video in its sadistic entirety as part of his job. He has to be thorough, afterall. It’s about integrity. How else could he report on the video if he hasn’t seen it, right? Official cover’s a sweet deal, isn’t it? So much fetish flies stealthily under official cover. Snuff films are but one of many examples. “That that grins at you — that thing — through them.”
Cold N. Holefield: Your organization has a predilection for beheadings in these execution videos. Do I denote a lack of imagination on the part of the producers? Their green is showing, methinks.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: You’re correct, up to this point we’ve been a one trick pony of sorts, but stay tuned because we’re about to mix it up a bit. It won’t always be beheadings, but since these production recruits are fresh out of university, they’ve needed some time to get their sea legs. They’re getting up to speed and will be steadily cruising along in no time.
Cold N. Holefield: Good grief.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I know, right? It’s not easy being me, Cold. Some days I have a strong compulsion to just hang up my boots and retire to my villa in Abruzzo, but alas my profession is like the Hotel California — you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Have you ever smelled colitis, Cold? I haven’t.
Cold N. Holefield: No, I’ve never smelled colitis but it doesn’t sound like something that would smell all that pleasant. I don’t even know what it is. When I was younger and first heard Hotel California I thought it was saying Cletus, which I thought was oddly coincidental because I had a friend named Cletus who stunk to high heaven. He stunk so bad we had to carry on a long distance friendship of sorts. If we wanted to see a movie together we had to drive in separate cars and I would make him sit on the other side of the theater. Same thing if we went to a bar together. This is how I learned sign language — we were forced to learn it since we needed to communicate at a distance. I’m not sure whatever happened to Cletus, but I bet he still stinks wherever he is. Very few people are capable of cleaning up their act.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: You’re a weird one, Cold.
Cold N. Holefield: It takes one to know one, Mr. Pot.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Gishkee!! … Dickle!! … Dickle!! … Fuckface!! … Knobjob!!
Cold N. Holefield: What in thee hell? Are you alright?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Yeah, I’m fine. Why?
Cold N. Holefield: You just started jerking your head and body and spouting obscenities.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Oh that — don’t worry, it’s just a bit of Tourette’s. I picked it up from the CIA sponsored intensive immersive English language training. Anything you do with the CIA is like that — it’s great training but it always comes with some bizarre glitch. More than a few of us now have minor Tourette’s after taking that training. The CIA claims it has nothing to do with the training but we’re not buying it.
Cold N. Holefield: Jesus, just when I thought I’ve heard, and seen, it all. Are you taking any medication for it?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Cannabis. I haven’t had my dose this afternoon and this interview is getting long so I guess it’s starting to act up.
Cold N. Holefield: The executioners in the videos don’t have Tourette’s, do they?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: No, we let the guys with syphilis perform the executions.
Cold N. Holefield: Sure, why not — it gives them something to look forward to, right? How’d they get syphilis if they’re raping only virgins?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: How did Mary give birth to Jesus if she was a virgin? She was a Komodo Dragon, that’s how.
Cold N. Holefield: Oh for Christ’s sake!
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Apparently it was for Christ’s sake — or that’s how the story goes. Getting back to something you said earlier, when you mentioned you had an odiferous friend named Cletus, I waxed nostalgic about The Dukes of Hazzard.
Cold N. Holefield: How on you earth do you know about The Dukes of Hazzard?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It was a hugely popular show throughout the Middle East when I was young — and still is. Muslims love The Dukes of Hazzard and Muslim men crave and adore Daisy Duke — me included. An endless sea of Muslim seed was, and still is, spilled on behalf of Daisy Duke — she’s the birth mother of an entire civilization of Muslims in an alternate universe where that seed was, and is, not spilled in vain. When we, the Islamic State, kidnap our wives we select for those females who possess Daisy Duke qualities and potential.
Cold N. Holefield: Bullshit!
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It’s true, Cold, even though it’s all lies — as you say.
Cold N. Holefield: Something I find particularly odd and perplexing — actually I find all of this odd and perplexing and what I’m about to ask is no exception — is how the Islamic State is able to recruit so many willing and eager Americans, and Westerners in general, to your cause, whatever that cause may be. What’s your secret? I find it incomprehensible?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It’s not that difficult to understand, Cold. Truthfully, the American and Western traditional form of public education does most of the leg work for us by systematically undermining these recruits capacity for critical, independent and objective thought and reasoning. They’re primed for programming and it’s just a matter of us flipping that switch and providing the programming. Consequently, we’ve hired a team of Derren Brown’s to work their magic in molding and shaping these solid state drives to do our bidding. It’s actually quite simple — the same Western process that turns young infants with the potential to move mountains into fat, lazy, gluttonous, couch potato consumers is the same process that can also turn those same infants into murderous jihadists in lonely and desolate deserts half way across the world.
Cold N. Holefield: Where does the Islamic State get the blinding white brand spanking new Toyota trucks? One would think since your organization is so loathed no one would do business with you, and yet you’re driving around in new Toyotas fully equipped with machine gun turrets.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: One would think — and that one would be wrong. The official story of course is, and will always be, that we plunder them during our many raids, but that’s just cover for how we really procure them.
Cold N. Holefield: And how do you really procure them?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Let’s just say they’re donated from various sources who understand the importance of our mission and are doing everything they can after conjuring us to enable and perpetuate our thriving existence. We love our Toyotas, Cold. Who could ask for anything more?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Allāhu Akbar!!!
Cold N. Holefield: Another Tourette’s fit? I’ll try to wrap this thing up so you can take your “medication.”
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It wasn’t my Tourette’s, Cold. I have to emphatically ejaculate Allāhu Akbar at least three times daily and I realized I hadn’t yet ejaculated it today.
Cold N. Holefield: Okay — alrighty then. Would you like a towel or a washrag to clean that ejaculate up, or will you just use your shirttail?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: You’re pressing your luck, Cold. This interview has been relatively civil thus far, so let’s keep it that way. I’d hate for things to get messy.
Cold N. Holefield: You’re right — I’m sorry — I lost my head.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I can’t believe you’ve lived this long considering your incessant and unrelenting sarcasm.
Cold N. Holefield: It’s dumb luck, I guess. It does make for a rather lonely existence. I have a predilection to metaphorically annihilate anyone who attempts to come too close.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Even Daisy Duke?
Cold N. Holefield: Especially Daisy Duke.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: That’s a sacrilege in my book.
Cold N. Holefield: I thought the Qur’an was your book and yet I don’t see a copy on your person, but instead you’re carrying a Gideon Bible. How do you explain such a bizarre anomaly?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I found the Gideon Bible in my hotel room and was fascinated by it, so I’m keeping it like I keep the soap and shampoo. As for the Qur’an, as part of our extensive jihadist, self-radicalizing training we were, all of us, required to memorize it, so there’s no need to be encumbered by toting around a physical manifestation of it. It’s in my head and it’s in my heart. It’s with me at all times. It’s part of the fabric of my being.
Cold N. Holefield: Let’s test the verity of that assertion. I’m putting you on the spot — quote me a verse of the Qur’an here and now.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: No problem, Cold. I can easily scuttle your attempt to entrap me . The Qur’an 9:11 (بذرة) A man who spilleth his seed, is a man in desperate need — of many wives. A calm palm is not a suitable surrogate for twenty-five wives. Kidnap them if you must, if it mitigates spilling precious seed in the dust. Be fruitful and multiply, then turn mealy and mushy then moldy and toxic as you decay back to fertile soil to serve as nourishment for the next seed that randomly falls upon your biomic remains.
Cold N. Holefield: You’re making that shit up. No way.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Have you ever read the Qur’an, Cold?
Cold N. Holefield: No, but I know bullshit when I see and hear it.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: If you’ve never read the sacred text, you’re in no position to judge the verity of that beautifully profound verse that my fellow jihadis and I live by.
Cold N. Holefield: I’m going to have to start wrapping this interview up — if I don’t I’m afraid I may have to find a Shrink.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.
Cold N. Holefield: What are your plans this evening after we conclude this interview? Are you going to feast on Lobster Newberg?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: That sounds revolting — I have an overwhelming aversion to seafood, especially shellfish. I think I’m allergic actually — my testicles swell up to the size of grapefruit when I eat shellfish.
Cold N. Holefield: That sounds painful — but you told us earlier Lobster Newberg was your favorite dish that inspired your name, and now you’re saying you find it sickening.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: That was then and this is now, Cold. Things change — people evolve. Who are you to judge?
Cold N. Holefield: That’s what I would call Radical Evolution.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Self-radicalization sets you free, Cold. I am disappointed I won’t be in America long enough to catch the opening of Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper. We’ve all read Chris Kyle’s book — he’s a hero to us.
Cold N. Holefield: What?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Yeah, George W. Bush created us with the decisions he and his administration made related to Iraq and Chris Kyle’s image perpetuates the Islamic State by never letting us forget. We have posters of Chris Kyle all over the place — we carry them with us everywhere and we’re constantly resupplying our stash — including the shooting ranges where we use it for target practice. See, hate keeps a man alive, Cold, and Kyle, for the Islamic State, is the face of hate. His image helps tremendously with recruitment. Thank you, Clint Eastwood and Bradley Cooper for amplifying that effect and aiding us in our endeavor to increase our numbers and expand our power and influence. You are providing incredible value to our organization and you haven’t asked for anything from us in return. It’s paid for by braindead Americans who will see this movie in record numbers.
Cold N. Holefield: You think American Sniper will set box office records?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I know it will, Cold. I know Americans better than Americans know Americans.
Cold N. Holefield: How long did you say your tour of America would last?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I didn’t say, but I will now; I’ll be here visiting, traveling and training for a couple weeks before heading back to the Levant. I arrived December 20th and was able to catch my Pats squeak one out over the Jets on the 21st. Go Pats!
Cold N. Holefield: You’ve got to be kidding me, you’re a New England Patriots fan?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Damn straight I am, homie! How can anyone not be a fan of a team named the Patriots? Plus, I’m a huge Aaron Hernandez fan, so I want to see the Pats win the Super Bowl in his honor.
Cold N. Holefield: Aaron Hernandez is a cold-blooded murderer, I doubt the Pats would want to win any game in his honor, let alone the Super Bowl. In fact. we’ve hardly heard a peep about him since he was indicted. The NFL doesn’t want to draw any further negative attention to itself so they’re going out of their way to keep that story smothered and off the front pages.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Jeremy Banks is also a cold-blooded murderer and yet he’s not behind bars, but instead is patrolling the streets of St. Augustine, Florida as a police officer — he’s respected and revered by many of his fellow police officers — especially his superiors. Whether you’re a murderer or not, and the implications that result from being labeled one, depends on what your status and station is in society. As a murderer, Aaron chose the wrong profession. If he was a cop, he would be as free as a bird now.
Cold N. Holefield: There’s no way the Patriots are winning the Super Bowl this year. I don’t even think they’ll make it to the Big Show to have a chance.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Wrong again, Cold. It will be the Patriots versus the Seahawks in the Super Bowl and the Pats will pull it out late in the 4th quarter. That’s what my source tells me, and my source is about as reliable as a source can be — it’s made lots of money for me and my colleagues over the years. It tipped us off to 9/11 a week before it went down and gave us a list of companies to short that would be directly affected by the events of that day. This source assures me the Patriots will defeat, in a very close game that will come down to the last several crucial plays, the Seahawks in the Super Bowl and I will place my bets accordingly. I’m looking forward to making millions off of one game.
Cold N. Holefield: No way — I don’t believe it.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Give me your cell number so I can call you and gloat at 11pm EST on Feb. 1st after the Patriots have won as I have said they will.
Cold N. Holefield: Fine, you have a pen handy? I’ll give you my number. It’s 555-867-5309.
Cold N Holefield: I almost forgot to ask a very important and pertinent question. Unlike other radical Muslim organizations like al Qaeda, Hamas and Hizbullah, Israel doesn’t appear to be on your radar. Rarely if ever does the Islamic State criticize Israel whereas the other Muslim organizations are focused predominantly on Israel and the Westerners that enable Israel. The Islamic State has been more critical of, and threatening to, the Vatican than to Israel. How do you explain this anomaly?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: No comment.
Cold N Holefield: No comment? You haven’t been at a loss of words for the duration of this interview and now you go silent when I mention Israel? Are you afraid of Israel and the Jews?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Remember when Jim told you to be careful, Cold? Well, I’m telling you the same — be careful, very careful. You’re treading on very thin and precarious ice.
Cold N Holefield: Okay, I get it — I’ll move on. What else will you be doing with the rest of your time here in America?
Sir Isaac Newburgh: I have a rather full schedule and social calendar, Cold, so I’ll be quite busy. I first have to complete CPE courses at both Quantico and Langley and immediately after that I’d like to cash in my award for achieving the designation of valedictorian of my graduating jihadist, self-radicalization class. That award is a sleepover in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House. I can’t wait — it’s going to be so exciting. I hear it’s haunted and ghosts, as well as Mike Douglas, make me moist. They’ll have to sneak me in through the tunnels, of course, but I don’t mind — I’m used to it by now. It comes with the territory.
From a social perspective, I’ll be dining with Tareq and Michaele Salahi separately and respectively on two separate evenings since they’re now divorced. They have a way of insinuating themselves into everything and anything but they’re actually great hosts and wonderful cooks. At some point I’ll be horseback riding with Marlin Fitzwater and then afterward he’s promised to accompany me to a Rave. Do you know he’s one of the few famous people with the given name Marlin? Who names their kid Marlin? I can see Merlin since he was a famous magician, but Marlin? Weird.
At some point Ofeibea Quist-Arcton and Soraya Sarhaddi Nelson want to accompany me to Friendly’s for dinner and ice cream and a few games of Twister afterwards. As well, Michael Moore and I are Bowling for Columbine in Littleton, Colorado followed by a pizza-eating contest — which I don’t stand a chance of winning against the likes of Big Mike. Finally, and this isn’t final by any means, I’ve reached out to George W. Bush to accompany me to my favorite hamburger joint, Whataburger in Big D. I hope he accepts the invitation. It would be an absolute honor to enjoy a Whataburger under the Big W with Dubya, the Islamic State’s progenitor. He’s like a father to us.
Cold N Holefield: You’re right, that sure is a full and hectic schedule. You’re a veritable rock star.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It’s the result of a lot of hard work and dedication, Cold, and being at the right place at the right time. Before we part ways, I want to present you with a gift since it’s Christmas. Here it is.
[Cold takes the gift, the size of a hat box, reluctantly and begins to open it suspiciously and cautiously.]
Cold N Holefield: Gee, I can hardly wait to see what it is. I hope it’s not a head.
[Cold unwraps the gift and peeks inside. Thankfully, there’s no head and no blood. Instead, there’s a smaller, elegant wooden box with a clear glass inset on the hinged top within the larger hat box. Cold takes it out and opens it. To his surprise it contains a boxcutter cradled securely yet delicately in red velvet.]
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Well, what do you think?
Cold N Holefield: Wow, a boxcutter — just what I’ve always wanted. Now I can go hijack a plane.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: It’s not just any old boxcutter, Cold. Some of our people found it at ground zero hours after the towers fell in pristine condition. They found four more just like it and they found five more pristine passports the FBI didn’t find. These mementos are worth a fortune on the open market. It’s an extremely valuable gift.
Cold N Holefield: I can’t accept this — there’s too much negative Karma associated with it.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Karma Schmarma. There’s no such thing as Karma, Cold. I’m not taking it back. If you seriously don’t want it, donate it to the Smithsonian or to PBS/NPR — they can auction it off and realize a multi-million dollar donation from you. Maybe they’ll even mention your name at the beginning of various broadcasts like they do for other prominent donors.
Cold N Holefield: That’s probably what I’ll do. Thanks for the goodwill gesture, although I’m not certain about the message.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Cold, don’t be so paranoid. Sometimes, just as a cigar is just a cigar, a boxcutter is just a boxcutter. The medium is the message, Cold.
Cold N Holefield: We’re going to end this interview now before I completely lose my mind.
Sir Isaac Newburgh: Before we part ways, can I ask you a favor since I’m helping you with the custom-made boxers?
Cold N Holefield: Sure, I said I owe you.
Cold N Holefield: Fuck it.